Self Loathing

Usually when I write a post on here, It is in the dark of the night, when I am wallowing in self doubt. It is sometimes a place for me to lay all of my shit bare and get whatever is bugging me off my chest. This can come across like I am whining, constantly drowning in the woe that is me.

Something I probably don't do enough is talk about the things about my life that I love, I haven't written about the things about me that I am proud of. Despite my recent legal trouble, drug issues and money worries, there are so many more positive things in my life that I don't share with people that read this blog.

Here is a list.

I am a great friend. This is testament to the fact that I in return have amazing friends. In Manchester and Dublin, the group of friends I have are probably my saving grace. I have a great relationship with so many different people and I am never really lonely.

I am generous. I would literally give the shirt of my back to anyone that needs it and I admit, I sometimes expect the same back in return, from money to time, to favours, there is nothing I wouldn't do.

This might also not come across very well but I am also quietly confident, I see so many people succumbing to their insecurities and I take pride in the fact that I don't. If I am not feeling, great how about how I look, It never lasts for long, I don't try to change myself to make other people happy or more accepting. Regardless of how corny, this might sound. I am what I am and I happy with this.

It may not seem like it but I take things in my stride, I find something positive in most things I see and I never let most things keep me down for very long.

I used to blog so much more often, about the good and bad, in my life and I realise now that as I have written less, the some times that I do write, have been some of the negative things that I have done or that have happened to me and this might get tiresome at times.

But, I don't hate myself, I love my outlook on life, relationships and friendships. I promise to make sure I share some of the happiness that I feel.

A Walk To Clear My Head.

Today has been a good day. I returned to work after almost 2 weeks of doing nothing. I was worried about it, I have to admit, worried I would be fired and whilst at the same time on some level, hoping for it.

It was OK though, the day went by quickly. It didn't hurt that the weather has been gorgeous.

It took me 2 hours to get home but I didn't mind, I was sitting in the sun, reading a book. When I got in, I cleaned my house and did some washing, made some food and chilled.

I knew when it got cooler, but before it for dark, I would go for a walk. I wanted to think about, what I had blogged about last night, I wanted to tire myself out. I took a couple of pictures on my walk. The photo quality on my Blackberry is not the best (I really need a decent camera!).

The first photograph is a purple tree, it grows at the back of my house, I took a picture of it because it glared at me, surrounded by grey and green, it stood out. Unfortunately, the picture doesn't really reflect how awesome it looked.

The next one, I took outside a church near to where I live, I don't know why but every branch had multi-coloured ribbons hanging form it, It was getting dark, so again, please forgive the quality.

I wonder what tomorrow will be throw my way.

2012 - Something Doesn't Feel Right.

It's something I have been thinking about the past few days. I am coming to the end of the 5th month and I feel, like crap basically.

I am working in a job, that I hate and because of my debt cycle, It seems like there is nothing I can do about it. I have this court case against me, which I was hoping would be resolved by now but now been adjourned until the 1st of August. I haven't done anything special of note, this year.

There are 6 months left this year and I am tempted to just write them off....But not just yet.

One thing I have noticed recently, is that I process things differently. I might have matured a little bit, I don't know. The night before work, I try to not go out at all and so far, I have been successful. The old me, would do it all the time, call in sick or just not go in, now I go to bed early and I get up early. If I liked my job, I imagine this would be a good feeling.

Anyway, back to my to point.

Whenever I used to take drugs, drink to much alcohol or eat in excess, I never used to care what it was doing to my body. I really used to think I would be dead by now and now that I am not, I think I should really have a plan B.

I would like 2012, to be the year, that I got clean. This is a huge step away from my self destruct process. It actually worries me to think about the damage I have done to my body over the years. But then I just take some more, to put that worry to the back of my mind. But still.... Progress!

In all seriousness, I really would like it to be the year that I don't do drug anymore. I just don't know where to even begin to look or start. To sit down with a stranger and explain my problems, does not sound appealing to me.

It's all been weighing heavily on my mind lately....

An Update On My Pending Trial.

To read some of my previous post on my recent legal troubles, click here and here.

So next Friday is the trial. It will also be the final time I have to deal with this issue at all. In order to prepare for this trial I had a meeting with my solicitor yesterday, the first meeting with the one who would be defending me in court. 

I was looking forward to making it clear to her, that this whole thing has been nonsense. That the plaintiff's had grossly exaggerated what happened and were out and out lying. She had something to tell me about the main complainant. 

She asked my about any previous convictions and trouble with the police I have had and when I advised I had no priors, she then told me about the guy who had pressed charges.  She told me how he had 7...Yes, 7 previous convictions. Ranging from violence, possession of  a blade, possession of an offensive weapon and criminal damage. 

This was the guy? That the police believed over us? 

My hope is that my solicitor will be able to wildly discredit his claims, raise the glaring inconsistencies in his statements and the statements of his friends and of course, allow me to walk free with out any fall out. 

This nonsense has been going on for long enough.

2 Years Dead.

This time almost 2 years ago, I was probably dead.

As this summer approaches, I have been feeling a nostalgia for times past. I had moved home from Manchester in January and as I yearned for the live I had left behind, I became so entrapped by drugs, it seems almost scary to look back on now.

I was partying almost every night, taking uppers such as pills, coke and Mkat and taking morphine and codeine to bring myself down. Despite holding down a job, I was on a downward spiral. It all came to ahead on the 20th of April 2010. After 3 or 4 days of heavy drinking, excess in drugs and just burning the candle at both ends, I took some morphine to bring myself down again.

I must not have been thinking clearly, and despite how much of an oxymoron this might sound, I was usually pretty clever with dosages, I tended to know exactly were my limit was. I took some and whilst not feeling as mellowed out as I hoped, I took even more.

I remember the days before hand, I had quit my job, by just walking out, going to a friends and getting absolutely smashed on alcohol. 3 or 4 days later, I was dead. I have no memory of this but, I was found in the early evening of April 20th 2010, I wasn't breathing, for how long, no one can be sure.

It was my brother who found me, attempted to revive me with CPR before the ambulance arrived. My Sister and Brother must have clung to each other, not knowing what happened or what was going to happen. The paramedics confirmed their worst fears. I was not responding. I was dead.

I woke up in the hospital, suspended at an angle to help the blood flow to my head as my brain had been deprived of oxygen. I vaguely remember being there, some felt like a dream, some felt real. I was somewhere in between. I knew people were around me and it I was in, what felt like a large room. When I fully came too, I then realised I was in a hospital bed and because I could still feel the effects of the opiates in my system, I knew why I was there.

Learning what happened, the first thought that burst its way out of my lips was that it wasn't on purpose. I was not trying to end my life and I knew what my family would be have been thinking. I just hoped they believed me.

I was eternally grateful that my brother had showed up at that time and found me. But I would be lying if I said it had some kind of profound effect on me, I would like to imagine that it jolted me into getting clean and  sorting out my life.

Is it realistic to expect delayed shock, two years after the event.

The Television Show MEME

The idea is to pick 5 of your favourite TV shows and answer the questions Accordingly. I haven't listed them in any particular order, except for number one. I have a all time favorite show and it takes it's rightful place at the top of my list.


1. Buffy The Vampire Slayer

2. Will and Grace

3. Desperate Houswives

4. Law and Order : Special Victims Unit

5. Dark Angel

1. Who is your favorite character in 2?

How could I not say Karen. She is no doubt a Gay icon and as a character is the most quote worthy of any of the characters I have included in the list above.

Your boyfriend's a big flaming feather-wearing man-kissing disco-dancing Vermont-living Christina Aguilera-loving Mikanos-going, honey, take it on home.

When I met my best friend Ali, he and I would literally spend hours and hours, watching Will and Grace and telling each other our favourite quotes. I would be at my house and he would be at his, we would watch the same episodes and send the quotes on chat.  It was a good time.

2. Who is your least favorite character in 1?

I LOVE every character but if there was one, at the bottom of that list, it would have to be Dawn, Buffy's Sister. When she was introduced in Season 5, I was intrigued about where they would take her but she ended up just being far to whiny and although they tried to redeem her in Season 7. But too much damage had been done in the previous two seasons.

3. What’s your favorite episode of 4?

Unlike the other shows on this list, I don't have a stand out 'favourite episode' of SVU. Every episode has that shock moment and every episode is acted so well, that it is very hard to pick. Any episode with Diane Neal, who plays Assistant District Attorney - Casey Novak, will always rank higher on my list.

4. What is your favorite season of 5?

This was a short lived show and the first season is superior to its second and final season. The back story explored and the development of Max, into this genetically engineered attitude machine, was massive draw for me.

5. What’s your favorite relationship in 3?

Without a doubt the friendship between Jack and Karen, comical and farcical whilst at the same time seeming completely genuine.

6. Who is your anti-relationship in 2?

Like everyone else, I hate Rob and Ellen.

7. How long have you watched 1?

I started watching when season 3 premiered on Sky One, a UK Television channel, back in 1999. That episode was 'Anne'. I remember it so clearly, I had heard of the show and even then at that young age, I thought the title and the premise to be silly. I was so very, very wrong. I quickly caught up with the other two seasons and watched it religiously every Thursday, until it ended in 2002. Not to mention, watching it almost every day, for several hours, whilst in high school.

8. How did you become interested in 3?

Before it debuted on British television, it was being hyped as 'Sex and The City in the suburbs' and had already been critically acclaimed. I wanted to try it out and see what all the fuss was about.


9. Who is your favorite actor in 4?

As I already stated, Casey Novak. The no nonsense Assistant to the District Attorney. She kicks ass in court!

10. Which show do you prefer 1, 2, or 5?

Buffy The Vampire Slayer!

11. Which show have you seen more episodes of 1 or 3?

There are 122 episodes of Buffy, It would not be a stretch to say I have probably seen all of them more than 50 times. Probably more.

12. If you could be anyone from 4, who would you be?

Again, Casey Novak.

13. How would you kill off any character in 5?

Characters have been killed of in this show before, however, when a show I love kills of characters, I like the episodes to be epic and for the repercussions to be felt for a few episodes, not neatly wrapped up in one and then never mentioned again.

14. Would a 3/4 crossover work?

Probably not, Desperate Housewives is more of a comedy/drama, where as Law and Order: SVU is more serious drama. Although Lynette, the most serious character from DH could possibly work as a character in SVU.

15. Pair two characters in 1 that would make an unlikely, but strangely okay couple.

Anya and Giles, their double act at the Magic Box, was hilarious.

16. Overall, which show has the better cast, 3 or 5?

Desperate Housewives, has the bigger and more acclaimed ensemble, with some of the best Television actors around.

Deception

It was very clever, I will admit that. I was surprised at the level ingenuity and the Machiavellian underhandedness. I couldn't be angry about it though, it was just too damn funny.

 It started back in January. My Mother who is currently taking a course in psychology and at the same time was scheduled to have knee replacement surgery. She knew she would be missing some classes and would probably fall behind in the course work.

When February came around, she was struggling to keep on top of the work. Or at least that is what she told me. I had just returned to work, when I received a phone call from her. She told me about how she was feeling after the operation and eventually the conversation turned to a book she would need to read and review for her year end assessment. She asked me could I do it for her, as she would not be able to find the time to read the book and write the review, whilst at the same time, stay on top of the course load from the time she was hospitalized. She sent me two books in the post. Courage To Change by Ursala O'Farrell and Emotional Rational Emotive Therapy Behaviour In Action by Wendy Dryden. We agreed that I would read and review the latter, as it was the most simple and straight forward of the the two and would not need to be too involved.

 At the same time, I had just started my new job and I was learning so many new things, when I was finishing in the evening. I was so exhausted but I would read a few pages every evening. To be honest, it became a thorn in my side, with the new information I was taking in everyday at work, I was not able to absorb the contents of the book as well as I might have done in normal circumstances. It took me two reads, to get around the complex subject matter. I was really struggling. Eventually, I got it done.

 A few weeks later, having read the books twice and struggled to understand its contents, I eventually got a rough draft of the review sent to my Mother, explaining also, that I had struggled and it might not have been good as she was expecting. She didn't really push on it, or go into more detail and thanked me for trying and suggested I also read courage to change. I thought it strange, that she didn't get more upset about it. My Mother tends to have a short temper when the actions she has requested of you are not done satisfactorily. Also, as I read the book, I could help but notice if focused on the behavioural therapy, that identifies certain personality types and tries to encourage counselling to change damaging personality disorders or behavioural patterns. As, I read the book, I eventually found what would probably describe my personality type. Some of the key factors of the type, being more prone to addiction and procrastination. Which to be perfectly honest, described me to a tee.

When I read those passages, I couldn't help but wonder. Had she sent me this book, under the guise of helping her out, to make me see damaging patters in my personality type and then change them? Turns out, that is exactly what it was. She knew that I would not read the book of my own accord, she also knew that if she brought it up and recommended why she wanted me to read it, I would not.

So, she cooked up this little plan, which I have to admit, was very clever, even if it did not necessarily work in the way that she hoped it would. I have never been under an illusion that the behaviours I engage in can be damaging, that the way I live my life is some what unseemly. It's not identifying the personality type that is the issue anymore, its breaking out of the habits that have engulfed the last ten years or so.

 My addictive personality, which means, certain things like drugs, or overspending have me and my family much hardship and conflict. My inability to plan to far into the future and my habits of procrastination which have hampered my development. I am also inherently lazy, if something seems to difficult, boring or involved, I shy away from it and use some other kind of justification, to explain my way out of it. I want to learn, I really do. I have such a keen interest in the writing or the law and I want to get into those fields so badly, I just don't know where to start and It scares me that I would need to change the way I live, to accommodate that goal. Even if the way I live, seems so unseemly to some. It's all I really know.